The Word Rules

Let's stop talking about linguistically interesting dog names for a minute and discuss words.

(Because that's FAR more interesting to folks looking to this blog for home repair tips...)

I crave words. I discuss words incessantly. My pastor told Rachael and I that we were the most semantic couple he knew. I like reading the thesaurus. I ask for books on etymology for Christmas.

(Of course my Dad always answers those requests by giving me books on Old Testament Aramaic Etymology even though I'm not, nor ever have been, a seminary student or shown any aptitude for living foreign languages, much less dead foreign languages.)

Anyways, if you knew me at all, it should not be at all surprising that I would have categorized my favorite words. I have three characteristics which define my favorites:

1. Multi-syllabic
2. Beginning with "PL"
3. Ending with the suffix "-age", meaning act of, state of, or collection of, generally added to a French root word.

So I was very excited to find this link to Word Count which chronicles the 86,800 most commonly used words in the English language in a graphically beautiful format...
My favorite word, and thus far the only one I've found which fits all three of my categories comes in at rank #15,192: "Plumage"

When I pointed out the list to Rach, she immediately entered a few names and was surprised by the fact that "David" was ranked#619. I was not surprised because I'm awesome.

Makai Glamour Shots

For those of you interested in what he looks like now...

Makai Dry:

Makai Wet:

Our dog may have a lazy eye... I can't tell. Your thoughts?

A Panglossian* View for a Crepuscular Makai

Crepuscular.

Its the word that's getting me through this day.

After getting up three times last night to take Makai out for a bathroom break in the drizzling rain, I'm a wee bit tired. It doesn't help that when I was in bed I couldn't sleep because I was worried that we weren't going to be able to care for him well enough. (I'm anxiety prone.) So I got about 3 hours of sleep last night I think. Thank goodness he's just a puppy and not a child or I'd never be able to relax.

Not a picture of me, but how I feel.

Anyways, crepuscular refers to animals that are active during daybreak and twilight hours, in this case, dogs. We'll get him there, I hope...

Highlights of the first night:

1. We almost renamed him at the last minute from "Makai" to "Crackleberry" after passing a barn with that title on Route 30 on our way to get him. Do you think we made the right choice after all?

2. Makai puked a softball sized ball of kibble into my hand on the way home. He's twice as big as when we saw him last, but still, who knew his stomach was that big?

3. He liked his crate but we couldn't fit it through the door into our room the first night, so we'll have to get him a smaller one that's more mobile tonight. Or take our door off the hinges.

4. He's already learning his commands, including "Do Your Business". Although I'd like to find something a little more unique to use for that situation, like "Squeeze It Out" or "Craptastic".

5. So far the best book I've seen for this process is "Before and After Getting Your Puppy" by Dr. Ian Dunbar. We'll let you know whether its the gospel of puppydom or apocryphal after a few days...
*Panglossian means hopeful in the face of hard times or adversity.

One more day...

Also, in other exciting news, our puppy arrives tomorrow...
Here's what he looks like in case you forgot. And we'll let you know which of the two names we're going with as soon as we get him.

Way To Normal: An Early Review

Ben Folds put his whole album, Way to Normal, up on Myspace yesterday... here's a track by track breakdown as I see it...


Hiroshima: **** stars
A good opener to the album, although I wish a "studio" version was recorded, although I get the point of the live feel. I'm still singing Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh every morning in the shower, which the neighbors must love.

Dr. Yang: **** stars
Bfolds reiterates that this album is just going to be a piano stool throwing good time with this track. The piano solo in the middle is the stuff that makes me think music students will be studying him in 20 years.

The Frown Song: ** stars
There's something unfortunate about this song, perhaps either the disconnect between the melodies of the verse and chorus. Or perhaps its the squealing synth.

You Don't Know Me:*** stars
As good as when it first aired. Which is mighty good... Still think Hiroshima wouldv'e been a more exciting single.

Before Cologne/Cologne:*** stars
I appreciate the studio version for its refocus on instrumentation and melody. But the DVD/fake version (still available on the myspace page further down on the player) that was leaked early is more fun for its "over the top" miasma of melodrama.

Errant Dog:** stars
I think this is the album's first mis-step. Seems more like a Ben Folds Five lost cut from an early album.

Free Coffee:* star
The definite nadir of the album hits at the exact center of this song. Well, 1 minutes and 24 seconds in. Then things begin to move forward and upward again. At least the experimental song is audibly a little more appealing after that, even if not a good style fit for BFolds.

Bitch Went Nutz:** stars
Again, the leaked version (still available on the myspace page further down on the player) was frankly more fun and comic. This is pretty good though.

Brainwascht:*** stars
Picking back up in quality, Bfolds produces a classic melody. This one is definitely better than the leaked version (further down.)

Effington:**** stars
I think this is still an experimental song, pushing the boundaries of where Bfolds has been, but with exciting results. Its not an "anthem" like the other 4 star songs, but it pushes the energetic desperation vibe beautifully.

Kylie from Connecticut:**** stars
Another solid tragic story told by Bfolds. I'm going to group this with Mr. Jones and Carrying Cathy in the list of songs that make me wish Ben was a painter too.

Ultimately, I had hoped this would be as good as Rocking the Suburbs which I still contend is a religious experience. But I think it exceeds Songs for Silverman which is still high praise. I hope I can get my hands on the fake tracks...

Update: The Myspace player has been rearranged but the list above is the actual album order. Not that anyone really cares about this post.

Screw U*

Check out "The Hardware Aisle" on Thisoldhouse.com...

They've got a lot of great product reviews, home improvement tips, and educational guides...

One of my favorites thus far has been Screw University* where the poster goes over all the permutations of available screw types, including shaft, head, and metalurgy.


Very helpful for designers, craftsmen, and homeowners indeed...

Although they did not cover some of the more obscure hardware types that we often discuss in my office. For example, I recently came across the term "Clevis Pin" in some structural drawings for a roof canopy and was stymied. I asked my boss what that was and he said, "I don't know but it doesn't sound nearly as interesting as finding 'Sex Nuts' all over your design." Too true, sir, too true...

Thank goodness for Wikipedia and Google clearing things up. Otherwise I'm sure I'd could be in a lot of trouble for typing "Sex Head Wood Tapping Shaft Screw Nutdriver."

Footnotes:

*This whole post also reminds me of a conversation I had with my ol' roommate Jeff once. We conjectured that there is a universal right of passage for a young boy (or girl, not to be sexist, although I think this is particular to boyhood.) There comes a time in a young boy's life, where he is working with his dad on something around the house, and Dad asks for the "male" end of a piece of hardware, extension cord, etc. The young boy is confused. Which is the "male" end? He takes a guess and then watches as his father plugs it into the "female" end of the hardware, extension cord, etc. The light of understanding goes on for the young boy and the urge to snicker at this terminology and simultaneous sex ed lesson is before him. If he can supress the urge and proceed as if this was the most natural thing in the world, he has matured and is certainly ready for a more advanced sex ed talk.**

**Or sex ed "demonstration" involving dog breeding as I was subjected to. Disturbing, I know.

Rods and Cones

I know, the title sounds dirty. But no, this time I’m talking about the bio-structures in the back of your retina which process and understand color. Apparently, they’re called rods and cones, and apparently women have more of them then men. Thusly the scientific reasoning behind women making distinctions between colors better than men. By extension, this is the argument behind women knowing how to dress better, making better interior design choices, and being more racist than men.

Oh, calm down, clearly I’m kidding. (Or am I?)

Anyways, back to the point, I cry sexist bull&*^%. At least between Rach and I, I think I have the better color acuity. I think Rach has higher olfactory and tactile and taste sensitivity. And I think we’re both as deaf as doorknobs. So this is not another one of those common occurrences where I think I’m awesome at everything.

But I see colors better. I just know I do.

So I was very excited to find the following practical test online which is completed by arranging the subtle hues along a spectrum to determine how much your eye can differentiate between colors.

I challenge everyone to a color-off… I got a 0/100 which is perfection. But then I forgot to hit print screen to verify my awesomeness and the best I've been able to do since is a 4. So, I'll stick with that. Apparantly I struggle a little bit with the blue range of colors. Which isn't going to help my argument of what shade of blue we should paint the kitchen, but overall I still rock.

Suck it losers.

Report your score below.

Xrite Color Test Here

Aargh

HOLY CRAPATHON! I forgot.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day is TODAY, Sept 19th!

AARGH.

For anyone in Philly, I know there's an event at the Rum Bar off of Rittenhouse to celebrate happy hour of ITLPD.

And I just checked the TLAPD website and found all these other great events too:

Philadelphia - The Pirate Guys themselves travel to the City of Brotherly Love for a special Talk Like A Pirate Day appearance at The Franklin, as part of the museum's events surrounding the Real Pirates traveling exhibition from National Geographic. Cap'n Slappy and Ol' Chumbucket will be in Philadelphia Sept. 17-21, with a Talk Like A Pirate Day reading/performance at the museum from 6-8 p.m. on Sept. 19, and makin' stops at other pirate gatherings around town as time permits. Keep a weather eye out!

Philadelphia - "As a history teacher I am taking my students to the Franklin Institute in Philaldelphia Pa to see the exhibit about the WHYDAH. A pirate ship found off of Cape Cod. I am going decked out with eye patch and head gear. After work its yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, then its on to the wench to shiver me timbers. Ahoy and may you never find your self in Davy Jones locker"

Philadelphia - Independence Seaport Museum celebrates Talk Like A Pirate Day with the closing film in its summer Starlight Cinema series, the classic Bob Hope pirate parody "The Pirate and the Princess." In honor of the date, everyone dressed like a pirate gets in free; there'll be a best-dressed pirate contest, free pirate snacks and tattoos (temporary, we think), and heaps o' pirate fun.

Philadelphia - And in still more Philadelphia pirate news, the crew of the tall ship Gazela, moored at Penn's Landing, will be in full pirate regalia for TLAPD. After storming the Independence Seaport Museum (see above), they'll have the ship open until 11 p.m. for late-night pirate ship tours.

The World Wide Intrawebernetter

A virus destroyed my work computer on Tuesday night. It was like something out of an early 90’s techno suspense thriller, “The Net” or “Fear.com” or "Untraceable". Yes, I know, "Untraceable" was put out last year, but it feels like an early 90's techno thriller, especially when Diane Lane, the FBI agent says, "He got inside my wireless network!" or "He hacked into my car!"

Anyways, I was surfing the web looking for home improvement blogs. I usually surf without fear because my office has anti-virus programs and spyware controls and firewalls and pop-up blockers and a whole host of other things I don’t understand completely in the slightest but in which I still put my faith.

I don’t know which site it came from, but suddenly an advertisement for buying authentic reproduction samurai swords pops up. Unphased, I clicked the “Close Window” button. Instantly, my screen goes white, and an alert on my desktop appears saying “Your computer is infected with the following spyware programs: Yousmelllikepoop.exe* and Dontforgettobrushyourteeth.exe*. Please install Antispyware XP 2008** immediately.

Now I’m phased. This was clearly bad news, but I didn’t believe the message on my screen. I smelled a scam. I tried to cancel through the Task Manager. I watched as the Task Manager fell apart before my eyes.I tried to Google research the scam. I watched as all the google hits were rerouted to erroneous websites. I pulled out the network cable to contain the infection. I tried to use Add/Remove Programs and watched as the virus tore me a new one.

Finally I called the tech support office employed by our office. The informed me that this virus is some new thing and it is NASTY. Apparantly Antispyware XP 2008 and all its associated programs have no cure and no virus protection program yet exists to block them. We could spend hours trying to rebuild things and would probably destroy windows in the process, or we could just wipe the computer clean and go back to factory settings.

Which I did. I spent Wednesday morning rebuilding. Fortunately all my actual files were on the server and unaffected. I just had to reload all my software and settings and plugins and lisp files and other things ad nauseum.

But it was really kind of freaky to be “attacked” that way and for it to look so much like a cheesy techno thriller where the geeky hero cries out “The hacker is calling from INSIDE the Server! They've breached the firewall. Get out of the server, get out of the server!!!!” I’m sure someone who knows anything about computer science is reading this and snorting their Red Bull with laughter. That’s kind of the point. I don’t know anything about this stuff and for all I know some villain could be overtaking my DVD player, my toaster, and my Electric Nose Hair Trimmer as we speak. Laugh if you will, but I’m unplugging them all before I go to bed.

*I don't remember the real virus names, but wouldn't those be disarmingly frightening names, like when an innocent looking kid comes up to you and says something childlike and simultaneously creepy? Like that one time Rach and I stayed at this bed and breakfast and the innkeepers little girl comes and talks to us at breakfast. Rach asks her, "Do you like having people stay at your house?" And she replies, "I can hear them up there". And Rach says, "You mean you can hear them walking around upstairs?" And the little girl says "No, I mean, I talk to the shadow people on the ceiling." with this wide eyed vacant stare and a smile. (shiver)

**But the Antispyware XP 2008 thing was a real name. Look out for that. I've talked to two other folks since then who got the same bug.

Come Hither Salsa

In my bachelor days, I didn't have much going for me with the ladies. I mean, I was funny, of course, and remarkably good looking obviously, and there was my abundance of emotional, spiritual, and sexual maturity. But other than that, all I had was salsa...

Yes, I made a KICKASS salsa; Giant overflowing bowls of salsa that I would bring over to Rach's house on the ghetto-ish Girard Ave. and the girls would swoon.

"This is so *&^%ing good I want to quit my job teaching underprivileged children and sit around the apartment all day eating this with a spoon!", her roommate Becky would say.

"I don't care whether my sister and you are good for eachother, just marry her already so I can have more of this salsa!", her roommate/sister Kim would say.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm. Yo, white boys aint my thing, but you look sexy carrying that bowl of salsa", the old lady on the corner would say as I got off the bus.

"Hey there.", my then-girlfriend/future-wife Rachael would say. (She's very understated, but trust me, volumes were implied.)

Anyways, I'm confident that my salsa is the primary reason Rach stuck with me. And now that we're married, I don't need to cling so tightly to the secret, but can spread it around to those less fortunate.

The real secret is that there is no recipe. One can only taste your way through the salsa making experience allowing room for much adjustment as the individual ingredients vary through the season and from the source. It's a zen meditation thing, one best accomplished with a little "Morcheeba" playing in the background, especially "Big Calm" and "Fragments of Freedom".

But after repeated nudging, I went to Sue's Produce, sat down this weekend, and codified the recipe as best as I could.

Come Hither Salsa
3 15 oz. Cans Black Beans (Goya Brand Preferred)
6 Large Slightly Under-ripe Jersey Tomatoes, Diced
1 Large Yellow Onion, Diced
3 Jalapeños, Minced.
3/4 Cup Cilantro, Minced
2 1/2 TBS or 4 Cloves Garlic, Minced.

1/2 cup Lemon Juice (Fresh Preferred)
2 TBS Red Wine Vinegar
2 TBS Corn or Olive Oil
1 1/2 TBS Kosher or Sea Salt

Drain and rinse black beans with cold water in colander. In Large mixing bowl (3-5 quart), mash one half of the beans into a mushy pulp. Preferably, use your bare hands. Add remaining unmashed beans, diced tomatoes, diced onion, minced jalapeños, minced cilantro, and minced garlic. (I've added links above for the best means of cutting/dicing/mincing for the less experienced.) Combine Ingredients.

Now comes the Zen Part. Get your best trip-hop on. Add lemon, vinegar, oil, and salt as needed. I've listed approximate quantities above but you may want to start with half of those and build up to the quantities listed as you taste.

Disclaimers:
1. This salsa is always made in big batches so I cannot vouch for what will happen if you try to do a fraction of it.

2. Be very careful of making this salsa if you are not intending to find a spouse. Even if you plan to sit at home and watch the evening news alone while eating the salsa, unintended spousal side effects may occur.

3. Like I said, there is no recipe. Except for the one that my sister taught me from Martha Stewart that started this whole thing, but I think mine has evolved enough to rename and claim.

4. Do not add corn unless you have been explicitly instructed to by the intended object of your affection. Suprisingly, my experience has been that corn is very divisive and could potentially undo the entire salsa wooing process. Fortunatley for me, Rach is very forgiving.