Conversations with Your House: 73 Lothrop St.

Back to talking about houses, I thought I should give a plug to this column in the Beverly, Massachusetts paper that references an amazing house in New England.

(Full Disclosure, this column is written by my cousin-in-law. But awesomeness runs so deeply in the blood in our two respective families that if I wasn't willing to give a shout out to members of my clan(s), there wouldn't be many people left to give a shout out to.)

Anyways, the house is incredible. And while her whole dream of ownership of said house relies on an imaginary friendship with Elizabeth Shue, she definitely has all the imaginary details worked out. Here's my favorite quote from the column:

-And then because she is a famous celebrity, she'll buy it and sell it to me for a dollar, and the house will become ours- with an account that Lisa [Elizabeth Shue] will set up to cover taxes- and let's throw in heating bills while we're at it.

Good call, Esther. But don't forget to have imaginary negotiations to cover the costs of legal fees for any time you want to change a lightbulb in a historic mansion. And just so my readers don't think that all I ever do is crib other people's writing, here's a brief conversation I would have with 73 Lothrop, imagined using the Grandmother character, Harriet, from John Irving's "A Prayer for Owen Meany":

Me: KNOCKING.

Harriet Lothrop: Good evening. Welcome.

Me: Hi, I just wanted to see you and find out more about you.

Harriet Lothrop: Of course, good sir. Would you join me in my parlor for tea and crumpets?

Me: Oh, yes. I love strumpets.

Harriet Lothrop: [Disapprovingly] Crumpets, dear. Strumpets are ladies of the oldest profession.

Me: Oh, sorry, my bad.

Harriet Lothrop: [Disapprovingly and with a dismissive gesture to the parlor.] Yes, your bad, indeed. Please have a seat.

Me: [Crouching to sit on the antique sofa] So, how long have you...

Harriet Lothrop: Oh, no not there. That's an antique.

Me: [Moving to the Victorian Wingback chair by the fire] Here?

Harriet Lothrop: No, that's much too precious a family heirloom.

Me: [Turing toward the Ottoman] Here?

Harriet Lothrop: No, that simply won't do.

Me: How about I just sit on the sidewalk outside?

Harriet Lothrop: That would be perfect. Have a pleasant night.