Literally thousands of letters and comments have poured in to "The House Rules" wondering what has happened to us since March. I've deleted all of them from the blog simply because I'm not the type to publish my fame and critical adoration for the world to see. But here's a sampling of some of the more poignant letters we've received:
"Where the frack did you go? Your blog is like crack. You get us addicted with your incredibly intelligent writing and witty subject choices and then leave us to go through a shaky sweating withdrawal? What's that abouoot?" -Carolyn S., reader from Philadelphia (previously Canada)
"I love your blog. I read it to all the neighbors between tear gassings. And generally it brings everyone together despite the longstanding racial and political divisiveness of the region."- Trey H., reader from Jerusalem (previously the Hooka Bar).
"I'm bored without your blog. Give me something in this semi-charmed life since I don't really have much to do in the studio right now."-Stephen J. from Los Angeles (previously Billboard's Top 40)
"I'm a creepy minion of Satan. But my dad and I still really like to read your blog between routines. Keep it up!"- Nastia L. from Beijing (previously the 5th circle of hell)
"I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES, B#$%H, IF YOU DON'T SPREAD MY MESSAGE OF DOOM AND DESTRUCTION"- Orblokz, Destroyer of Worlds (previously of the planet Yormomiter).
Anyways, here's what happened basically... in March we went to Florida for a nice relaxing spring break. We were staying at Rach's aunt and uncles place in Miami, hangin' in the chickee hut (Yep, its a real thing, more on that later.) having a Dark and Stormy Night at 11:00 in the morning. The weather was amazing, we were relaxed, it was perfection.
And I brought my computer to try and get some blogging done. I was planning on introducing a new feature, "Conversations with Your House" (more on that later too) which is destined to get me in a buttload of trouble with the neighbors but will inevitably be rolicking good fun for you gentle reader.
Anyways, I powered on my computer and was just taking my last sip of the DSN before typing when THIS crazy ass orchid/bean/tentaclebeast of hell thing comes tendriling around the edge of the hut. I didn't think plants (?) could move that quickly, but in one deft move it had entwined my computer, ripped it from my grasp, and retreated into the suburban jungle from whence it came. Fortunately Rach snapped a picture before it grabbed the computer.
Scary for sure. Someone should probably have done a study or expedition or at least started a "Save the Crazy Ass Orchid/Bean/Tentaclebeast from Hell" campaign, but in a sunburned DSN stupor, I shook my head in disbelief, and just decided to go on with our vacation.
So I've been with out a computer for the last 6 months. That's the reason you haven't seen a blog posting. I couldn't blog from work obviously because that would be unethical and cut into my nap time.
Well, this morning, Aunt Janet came to Philly from Miami, and lo and behold, she brought my computer. It had been found 3 miles from their house next to a waste water management reservoir in the Target shopping complex. Everyone's best guess is that the Crazy Ass Orchid/Bean/Tentaclebeast from Hell had more of a taste for Big Macs and thought better of the effect of my PC on its digestive tract.
Sufficed to say, we fortunately have a lot of stories to tell, and we'll be bringing them to you now commercial free.
*Some names and exact circumstances of events have been changed to protect the innocent and the hopelessly lazy.
